I came to visit Tucson, Arizona out of a need to get away, clear my mind & think. My relationship with my business partner was already not good. And now my relationship with my partner was hanging on by a thread. I hated being at work and I hated being at home. So I emailed my dear friend Sandy - my teacher, my mentor, my friend - to see if I could come and sleep on the couch in her office for a few weeks. Her response to every invitation in life is YES! Though she had a better idea than the couch. I could stay in her casita in the back of her property. Ella's old room. Ella being the homeless woman Sandy let live on her property until she died. A small one room casita with red and orange curtains, blue/gray walls & and a big comfy bed. Perfect.
When my relationship crashed into a wall a few weeks ago, I found myself at a low point that I had not been at in a very long time. I felt like everything that I had grown to know in the past 5 years was suddenly over. So I did what I had done many times in my life. I got into therapy.
I was sexually abused by my Scoutmaster beginning when I was 12. One of the long term effects of childhood sexual abuse is what is called splitting -you shut down sexually with your partner or you become very sexually active. I did both. For about the past 3 years we barely had sex. Maybe once every 2 or 3 months. And I was feeding again my off and on online chatroom sexual addiction. This time it was in full swing. He knew about it. I thought he was ok about it. He wasn't about any of it. So that on top of he and I not having any sex....well you do the math.
When I went to see Suzanne, my therapist, for the first time I told her EVERYTHING. Even things I don't think she really wanted to hear. I had an hour and I had found someone I could pay to listen to me and not talk back. It was perfect. The first thing she asked is if this man was still around children. I couldn't answer that. I didn't know. She said that if he were I needed to go to the police. I didn't know what to do with that. My hour ended and I paid her fee. I didn't go to the police. I went home.
Being here now in Tucson my mind is full. I find myself once again late at night feeding my online chat addiction. I'm not getting any rest. Clearly this break was not working. Sandy even had me accompany her to a dance workshop weekend. It was not working.
So today Sandy's husband Michael and third child Oren and I went to Maynard's for brunch. Michael started telling me of a woman he knew who when confronted with cancer started blogging about her experiences. That's when I knew that is what I needed to do. I had already started writing out my story of the abuse when I got to Tucson. I had already begun.
So if anyone is reading or anyone is interested, this is my story. Everything. And like my first therapy session - more than you really wanted to know. Perfect.